When You Struggle With Jealousy

Have you ever scrolled through Pinterest, scouring through each picture, pinning obsessively, only to exit the app and look at your actual home or your real-life closet with disappointment? Or upon hearing a friend’s announcement about a promotion or engagement or new home, feel a twinge of unhappiness and jealousy? Do you ever catch yourself daydreaming about a stage in your life that is not your reality? Jealousy is a feeling I know all too well and have battled for most of my life. I remember sobbing on the floor of my bedroom in the fifth grade when my best friend got the role of a daughter in our school musical, The Fiddler on the Roof, and I got the role of a son (just because of my alto voice.) Even though I loved my friend dearly, I had a hard time being around her in the following days, or during play practice, or when she got her costume and I got mine. I so desperately desired what she had that it stole my joy and affected our friendship. It’s hard to blame a ten-year-old for having those feelings, but life doesn’t stop providing things for us to chase after as we grow older. As I’ve grown in my walk with the Lord, I’ve learned that jealousy not only steals my joy and affects my relationships, but it also affects my relationship with him. In fact, jealousy isn’t just an uncomfortable feeling, it’s sin, even one of the big ten sins listed in the commandments in Exodus. 

Following the Israelites’ exodus from Egypt, God gave his commandments to Moses to relay back to his people. The tenth and final commandment says, “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house, you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s” (Exodus 20:17). 

Do not covet. . . . When we compare ourselves to others or feel jealous of what others have, we are essentially looking at what someone else has and desiring what’s not ours to have. Unlike some of the other commandments, this one asks us not to abstain from doing something physically, like stealing or committing adultery, but it commands us not to commit the sin in our minds and hearts. However, similar to the other commandments, in this commandment God is asking us to position our hearts in a certain way. In order to combat the comparative, covetous thinking, we have to work on our hearts. As we dive into what this heart work looks like and how to keep ourselves from constant comparison, let’s consider why coveting is sin, so much so that God keeps it as one of his top ten laws. 

Part One

Read Genesis 2:15-3:13. 

In the beginning, God gave man the Garden of Eden to care for and work. His commandment sounds like this, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden but of the tree of knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die” (Genesis 2:16-17). Then the Lord gives Adam all the animals to name and his garden to have dominion over. He gives him Eve. He even gives Adam the gift of his own presence and communion, untainted relationship with the Lord. God has blessed him with so much, yet there is still something outside of his domain. There’s only one thing he does not give to Adam: the tree of knowledge of good and evil. God gives Adam and Eve all they need, yet they still crave the fruit of that tree. What’s significant here is not the fruit itself, but what it signifies and why God doesn’t want them to have it. It wasn’t the fruit itself that caused sin; the apple did not have magical powers and it did not curse all of mankind. The sin was the knowledge that man can disobey God, that he can walk outside of the will of God, and in doing so, take God off the throne of glory in his life and sit on it himself. The root of all sin is pride—man’s will and desires over God’s good, omniscient sovereignty. My will instead of God’s will. 

Then, as soon as they ate the fruit, were they filled and satisfied and content? No, they became ashamed of their nakedness in front of each other and before God and shielded themselves, distancing themselves from him. That pure relationship was severed. When we desire something outside of God’s will for us, we distance ourselves from his presence, his peace, his love, and all that he provides. Not to mention, we often find that the thing we’ve been coveting and chasing after for so long doesn’t fill us once we have it. 

For so long, I struggled to tame my jealous, covetous thoughts. Often, I still do. But simply telling myself to stop or trying to redirect or distract my thoughts was just a bandage. With sin, it’s not effective to just avoid the sin; we need the heart change to point us away from that sin entirely. Coveting prevents me from trusting that God is all I need and provides all I need. It allows us to believe ourselves and other things are more important or worthy or needed. When I understand this truth, I am led into confession and repentance. Only through true repentance am I able to turn away from my longing for things God has not willed me to have. Only by turning to God as my provider, instead of the things I desire am I able to trust that I have everything I need. 

Read Exodus 32. 

This story begins with Moses at the top of the mountain as the Lord gives Moses his law. But the Israelites grow impatient and ask Aaron to make a god for them. So Aaron asks them to bring him their gold to build a calf. Let’s pause and remember that the Israelites were recently slaves in Egypt; it’s important to remember how they had gold. In Exodus 12:35-36, after the tenth plague, the death of every firstborn, took place, Moses instructed the Israelites to ask the Egyptians for their gold and silver:

“The people of Israel had also done as Moses told them, for they had asked the Egyptians for silver and gold jewelry and for clothing. And the Lord had given the people favor in the sight of the Egyptians, so that they let them have what they asked. Thus they plundered the Egyptians.” 

So the gold used for the golden calf came from the favor of the Lord on the Israelites, simply a blessing from God to his people. The Israelites took what the Lord had used to bless them and fashioned it into something to worship. 

And how often do we do the exact same thing? We take something that should be a blessing, either a blessing we already have or a blessing given to someone else, and turn it into a need, a means of support, a god. Eve did exactly that. Genesis 3:6 says, “So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate.” 

The things God creates are good. He makes and provides good things. We can turn a salary, a house, a spouse, a community, which are all good and wonderful blessings from God, into our provision and our salvation instead of God himself. We worship the provisions instead of the provider. Simply admiring someone else’s things or lives isn’t sin, but letting it become something we desire above God himself is. The things we are jealous of in other peoples’ lives are likely things we are making to be our idols, the things that we think will make us happy, support us, fulfill us, and glorify us. God wants our whole hearts; he is worthy of all our praise. So, while not coveting is listed as the tenth commandment, the heart of it points back to the first and second commandments: 

“You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God”

Exodus 20:3-5

For I the Lord your God am a JEALOUS God. God is jealous of the things that have captured our hearts more than him. He also knows those things will fail us and will never be enough. Only he is enough and everything we need. The reason why I struggled so much to just control my covetous and jealous thoughts is because I was treating a symptom instead of the illness. The root of the problem is that I didn’t see God as the provider of everything I need and the rightful king of my heart. When I put God back at the center of my life and remind myself that he has given me everything I need, I am less prone to coveting.

It’s easy to read this passage and assume that in creating the golden calf, the Israelites created an entirely different god from the one who brought them out of Israel. At first glance, it seems like they got tired of waiting on God so they abandoned him and created a new one. But this isn’t necessarily the case. In fact, the gold calf is meant to be a representation of Yahweh himself. Perhaps the Israelites weren’t trying to offend God, they were just resorting to the form of worship they had witnessed in Egypt—physical gods that they can see in the flesh. They’re just acting in accordance with their culture. But God’s chosen people are not meant to be like the world around them, they are deemed holy and set apart. They were impatient for Moses to return from the mountain, they were impatient for God, so they resorted to the physical. 

In our culture today we don’t chase after physical idols and statues, but we are still often chasing after something seen. Think status symbols: cars, houses, designer clothes and purses, golf club memberships, job titles, vacations, very outward symbols of wealth. But Jesus said, “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven” (Matthew 6:19-20). Maybe we chase after marriage and children as a visual symbol that we are loved. Listen to this: “For the mountains may depart and the hill be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you” (Isaiah 54:10). We chase after anti-aging creams and hair dying to mask our age and preserve our youthful beauty. “You are altogether beautiful, my love, there is no flaw in you” (Song of Solomon 4:7).  Look at the things you are chasing after and think about what you’re actually seeking in that physical representation. Pursue holy desire over the physical.

“For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Read 2 Samuel 11:1-12:15.

In this story, David, the king of Israel, whom God has already greatly blessed, desires another man’s wife, Bathsheba. In order to have her, he plans for Bathsheba’s husband to be killed in war by instructing that he is in the front line among the soldiers who will almost certainly be killed. (This happens even after he tries to deceive the man into sleeping with his wife to cover up that David had impregnated her.) After her husband has been killed, David takes Bathsheba as his own wife. However, Nathan, being sent by the Lord, goes to David to speak what the Lord has spoken through him. 

In 2 Samuel 12:7-9, the Lord says “I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you out of the hand of Saul. And I gave you your master’s house and your master’s wives into your arms and gave you the house of Israel and of Judah. And if this were too little, I would add to you as much more. Why have you despised the word of the LORD, to do what is evil in his sight?” In other words, God is saying to David, “I made you king, I saved your life, I gave you a home and wives, I gave you all of Israel and Judah, my very people! And I would have given you even more.” God would have given even more than all this. But instead David took for himself what was not his to have. 

God provides for us, he gives us what we need, and he knows what we need more than we do for ourselves. If he is withholding for a season, it is for his holy purposes. So, when we covet, we are telling God, “You have not provided what I need.” Let that sink in. It seems so innocent to flippantly think or say “I want that house,” or “I wish I had a baby,” or “Why did he get that promotion and I didn’t?” But when these thoughts get ahold of our hearts and it turns from admiring what belongs to someone else to desiring it for ourselves, it attacks God’s character as our provider and tells him that everything he has provided for us and blessed us with isn’t enough—that he isn’t capable of knowing and providing what we need. 

Part Two

So far, I’ve mentioned that for a long time, I tried policing my thoughts, telling myself simply to stop when I found my mind circling through jealous thinking. I knew it was sinful, but I didn’t fully know why. For me personally, learning the truths above through God’s Word is what helped tremendously in keeping my heart from lingering in covetous thinking. In addition, several spiritual disciplines help when I fall back into a season of letting my heart wander from the Lord in this way. 

Confession

In my daily prayer time, I follow a basic pattern: adoration, confession, thanksgiving, supplication. Confession was hard when I first started taking the time each day to ponder on my sin. I found myself thinking, “Well I haven’t gotten drunk lately or slept with someone other than my husband,” and would quickly move on. Over time, I started leaving time there to sit and wait for the Lord to reveal my sin. When you simply pray, “Open my eyes to my sin,” he will answer that prayer. The Lord began to reveal the ugly parts of my heart, first by reminding me of certain actions, then by revealing my heart in them. For example, reminding me of my road rage the day before and revealing that my heart in that moment believed I was more important and worthy than the person I became angry with. Or when my friend shared she got a raise, and I didn’t feel happy for her, that was a clue that I believe that I deserve that too or that money is what brings worth instead of God’s love. Practicing confession gives me the opportunity to consider my actions and thoughts and reveals the sin in my heart humbly before God. 

Thanksgiving 

Confession is not the same as repentance. Confession is acknowledging our sin, but it doesn’t refer to what we do about it. Repentance is the steps we take away from sin. I’ve often thought that sin that only exists in our hearts and minds is harder to combat than physical sin. How can I control my thoughts? Philippians 4:6-7 is the verse that finally helped me find an action step to keep me away from coveting. It says, “in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” By prayer and supplication with thanksgiving . . . Practicing thanksgiving is an action we can take to combat our jealous thinking. When we thank God, we remind ourselves of how he has already blessed us and provided for our needs. It repostures our hearts toward gratitude and away from yearning and desire. When those jealous thoughts come flooding in, guard your heart by repeating things you’re thankful for that God has already provided for you.

Memorizing and Repeating Truth

I know that memorizing Scripture is an important spiritual discipline, but I can’t pretend that I have entire passages of Scripture memorized, as well as their books and verse numbers. However, the bits and pieces of Scripture that stick with me are incredible tools when I need to pull myself out of moments of coveting. The verse that has been most helpful in this particular battle is the one from 2 Samuel 12:8: “And if this were too little, I would add to you as much more.” This verse brings so much conviction to me, so immediately when I find myself desiring the things God has not given to me, it helps me refocus on the plentiful blessings he has already provided. A dear friend posted Philippians 4:11-13 on her mirror in a season of yearning for the next stage of life, reminding herself to stay content whether she is wanting or she has everything she needs: 

“Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

Philippians 4:11-13

Perhaps if the things you find your heart yearning for are material things, remind yourself of this truth: 

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Matthew 6:19-21

Find the verses that stick out to you the most and keep them on the tip of your tongue to repeat to yourself when you feel your heart coveting. 

Reflection

Isaiah 48:17-19 says: 

“I am the LORD your God, who teaches you to profit, who leads you in the way you should go. Oh that you had paid attention to my commandments! Then your peace would have been like a river and your righteousness like the waves of the sea; your offspring would have been like the sand, and your descendants like its grains; their name would never be cut off or destroyed from before me.”

God gave us his commandments because he knows that’s the best way for us to live. Living by his commandments will profit us, our peace will be overflowing, and we will be able to be in communion with the Lord. 

Photo Credit: Emilee Carpenter